- HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION
WHERE TWO COMEDIANS ARE GIVEN MICROPHONES,
BUT ONLY ONE IS A PRODUCER OF THE SHOW.
A COMEDIAN WILL STAND RIGHT HERE
AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I FINALLY GOT THE JOKE.
I REALIZE THAT FOCKER SOUNDS A LOT LIKE ****."
IT DOES.
AND THEN-- AND THEN I'LL BE SITTING
IN THAT CHAIR, AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"I JUST REALIZED THAT YOU'RE A FOCKING IDIOT."
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU GUYS READY
TO START THE INTERRUPTION?
THIS ACTOR-COMEDIAN HAS BEEN A GUEST
ON MY PODCAST DOUG LOVES MOVIES,
AND YOU KNOW HIM FROM THE MOVIE 17 AGAIN
AND FROM THE CLASSIC TV SKETCH SHOW THE STATE.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND THOMAS LENNON.
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DOUG BENSON.
MY GOD.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME, AND I CAN TELL
THAT YOU'RE THINKING THIS,
WHICH IS THAT, IF KATE GOSSELIN'S HAIR
AND ADOLF HITLER'S HAIR HAD A BABY...
- THAT WOULD BE REALLY WEIRD FOR HAIR TO BE HAVING BABIES.
- I THOUGHT A LITTLE BIT THAT MY HAIR LOOKED
LIKE KATE GOSSELIN AND HITLER, BUT THE FACT
THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO FINISH THAT JOKE PROVES
THAT IT WAS 100% **** TRUE.
- DO YOU KNOW ANY K.D. LANG SONGS?
- UM... - IS YOUR HAIR THIS WAY
FOR A ROLE?
OR DO YOU HAVE IT THIS WAY JUST TO INSULT YOURSELF?
- I DID WANT TO SAY VERY SINCERELY
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART,
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK ON COMEDY CENTRAL, UM, AFTER--
- YEAH. - THANK YOU.
- IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR COMEDY CENTRAL?
- REFRESH OUR MEMORIES.
- AFTER 88 EPISODES OF RENO 911...
IN EXCHANGE, I GET TONIGHT, FOR DOING THIS SHOW,
A iPOD DOCKING STATION WITH A POT LEAF STUCK TO IT.
SO THAT'S WORTH PRETTY MUCH MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.
- I LIKE THAT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEBODY DO THAT.
LIKE, "THAT'S THE END OF THAT JOKE."
- THAT'S--DOUG--
- I'M GONNA START SWINGING THE MICROPHONE AROUND.
- THAT'S THE WAY THEY TEACH YOU TO DO STANDUP
IN ESPANA WHERE THE MATADORS...
IT SHOWS THE JOKE THAT IT'S NOT IN CHARGE OF YOU.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MY AGE OR WHAT,
BUT PRETTY RECENTLY I FOUND MYSELF
IN A RITE AID,
HOLDING A BOX OF JUST FOR MEN
AND ASKING THE MANAGER, "HEY, DOES THIS WORK ON PUBES?"
I HOPE THAT, IF I EVER HAVE TO GO TO PRISON,
IT'S LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
- I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ALREADY.
- OKAY, GO.
- THERE ARE PRISONS FOR JUST LEPRECHAUNS?
- IN MY MIND, I FEEL LIKE I'M--
I'M KING BITCH OF LEPRECHAUN PRISON, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, WHO'S GONNA TAKE ME DOWN AT LEPRECHAUN PRISON?
NOBODY.
- YEAH, THEY'RE ALL LIKE-- THEY'RE NOT GONNA SHIV YOU
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY HIDING THEIR GOLD.
- IT'S REAL-- FOR ME, IT WAS JUST
'CAUSE I'M SO-- I'M BIG COMPARED TO THEM.
- YOU'RE TALLER THAN THEM. - YEAH.
- NOW I GET IT.
AND YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO LITTLE PEOPLE'S CONCERNS,
SO THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SAY **** PRISON.
- YOU CAN'T SAY **** ON COMEDY CENTRAL.
WATCH. ****. - YOU SAY LEPRECHAUN PRISON.
THEY'RE GONNA BLEEP OUT WHEN WE SAY ****?
- WATCH. ****.
GO HOME AND TIVO THIS.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT THING THAT I JUST SAID.
'CAUSE IT DIDN'T **** EXIST.
MY SON IS-- HE'S AN INFANT BASICALLY.
HE'S ALMOST A TODDLER,
BUT THEY SAY YOU CAN'T START EARLY ENOUGH
WITH LANGUAGE, SO, UM,
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE WE GO TO BED,
I HOLD HIM, AND I GET WHERE HE CAN SEE MY MOUTH,
AND I HOLD HIM CLOSE,
AND I SAY,
"AVENGE MY DEATH!
"UTHER, IT WAS WHAT POISONED YOUR FATHER.
"WASH THIS LANCE IN BLOOD
"TILL IT BEARS THE BITTEREST FRUIT.
AVENGE ME, BOY."
- NEXT TOPIC.
- I HAVE A COUPLE OF,
GOOGLE ALERTS ABOUT MYSELF.
EVERYBODY HAS GOOGLE ALERTS ABOUT THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, GOOGLE--THAT-- YOU CAN TYPE ANY SENTENCE,
ANY COMBINATION OF WORDS,
PUT IT INTO GOOGLE IN QUOTATION MARKS
AND YOU'LL GET AN EMAIL ABOUT IT
ANYTIME THOSE WORDS ARE--ARE--ARE WRITTEN OUT
ANYWHERE IN THE INTERNET-- IN THE NEWS,
OR IN A BLOG, OR ANYTHING.
I WANTED TO HAVE ONE GOOGLE ALERT
THAT I COULD MAKE HAPPEN ANYTIME I WANT,
SO I HAVE "TOM LENNON
"ARRESTED FOR BREAK DANCING OUTSIDE KOO KOO ROO
WITH A RAGING BONER."
SO I HAD-- THAT ONE'S ALREADY SET.
ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT I DO THAT...
ON THE WAY HOME TONIGHT. - LIKE, IN RE--
LIKE, IN REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT,
SOMEONE WOULD USE THE WORD "RAGING"...
LIKE, THAT'S NO REGULAR BONER.
THAT GUY'S BONER
WAS RAGING.
- WELL, YEAH. YEAH. YEAH, DOUG.
- THAT WAS A RAGIN' CAJUN BONER.
- YEAH, UM, IT PROBABLY WAS
'CAUSE IT MADE THE NEWS.
- HA HA HA HA! STUPID.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TOM LENNON
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I CAN'T STOP INTERRUPTING THOMAS LENNON.
I CAN'T STOP, BUDDY.
HEY, LET'S HAVE A TWEET-OFF.
- ALL RIGHT.
- LET'S DO IT.
- THAT'S LIKE THE LEAST OFFENSIVE QUEEF IMAGINABLE.
- YEAH, IT'S VERY UPBEAT.
- OTHER THAN, LIKE, SMURFETTE.
- I SMELL-- I SMELL BLUEBERRIES.
DID, SMURFETTE QUEEF?
- DOUG, GO.
- VERY GOOD.
VERY GOOD.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TOM LENNON!
THANK YOU, TOM.
YOU MAY RECOGNIZE THIS HILARIOUS GENTLEMAN
FROM THE COMEDY CENTRAL SHOW
MICHAEL AND MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES.
OOH, WHICH-- WHICH MICHAEL IS HE?
AND YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE FILM
KIDS IN AMERICA.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND MICHAEL IAN BLACK!
- HI, EVERYBODY.
SO I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO TODAY.
AS I WAS GOING OUTSIDE,
I SAW A GUY
RIDING BY ON A UNICYCLE,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
"THIS IS GOING TO BE A TERRIBLE DAY."
- WHAT DOES THAT LOOK LIKE?
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
- I FORGIVE YOU.
- IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.
RIGHT?
- YEAH, THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKE, "NO BIG DEAL.
THIS THING THAT I..." - NO.
- "TOOK ME YEARS TO LEARN." - "THIS IS JUST--
"I'M JUST RIDING A UNICYCLE.
"THIS IS JUST
MY PREFERRED MODE OF TRANSPORTATION."
"WHAT'S UP?"
AND SO I LOOKED AT HIM
THE WAY I ALWAYS LOOK AT PEOPLE ON UNICYCLES,
AND IT'S A LOOK THAT I CAN--
IT CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED
AS "WITH DISGUST."
RIGHT? AND THIS LITTLE INVOLUNTARY NOISE
CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
AND THE NOISE WAS THIS.
UGHHH.
AND HE HEARD ME.
I COULD TELL HE HEARD ME
'CAUSE HE GAVE ME A LOOK.
AND THE LOOK WAS LIKE...
EXCEPT HE WAS RIDING THE UNICYCLE,
SO IT WAS LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WORSE THAN THE GUY ON THE UNICYCLE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE GUY ON THE RECUMBENT BICYCLE?
I HATE THAT GUY.
- DO NOT GET ME STARTED ABOUT RECUMBENCY.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY?
THE GUY WHO RIDES THE RECUMBENT BICYCLE, LIKE THIS.
THAT SMUG ****HOLE.
- I'VE GOT A BABY ON THE BACK.
- I'M JUST RIDING MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYBODY'S NOT--
BICYCLE'S LIKE THIS.
SO MUCH MORE ERGONOMIC.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY RIGHT NOW.
I'M SAVING SO MUCH ENERGY.
WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS I'M GONNA SELL THE ENERGY
I'M NOT USING BACK TO THE POWER COMPANY.
I'M MAKING MONEY RIGHT NOW
RIDING MY RECUMBENT BICYCLE.
I'M GROWING SOYBEANS ON THE BACK.
I'M--MY LEGS ARE--
- WAIT UP, WAIT UP, WAIT UP, WAIT UP.
- I'M GONNA PASS OUT. MY LEGS ARE--
I CANNOT DO ANY MORE RECUMBENT BICYCLE MATERIAL
BECAUSE I AM NOT IN THE KIND OF SHAPE
THAT RECUMBENT BICYCLE JOKES REQUIRE, YOU GUYS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I WAS HOPING YOU'D DO THE GUY FROM THE '20s
WITH THE GIANT WHEEL... BICYCLE.
THAT GUY. DO HIM.
- ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO GET ON LIKE THIS.
- YEAH, YOU GOTTA GET ON.
- WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE MICHAEL IAN BLACK
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF INTERRUPTING
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH, MOTHER****. - LET'S READ SOME TWEETS.
- I WROTE THIS ONE.
THE FILM WAS ANNOUNCED THAT JUSTIN BIEBER'S
GONNA BE DOING IN 3-D.
- YEAH.
- DO YOU WANNA PUT ON YOUR SPECTACLES?
- A LITTLE MORE ESOTERIC,
BUT IN MY MIND, CHEWBACCA'S WALKING AROUND
LIKE THIS...
YOU KNOW, GOING--
- IT'D BE VERY FUNNY.
- YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO DO A CHEWBACCA NOISE.
- I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS, DOUG, I'M NOT A HACK.
I DO PANTOMIME.
- CHEWBACCA, NO. RECUMBENT BICYCLE, YES.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS PERFORMER PLAYS PRINCIPAL CUTLER
ON HBO'S EASTBOUND & DOWN.
AND HE PLAYS THE VILLAIN IN THE YOGI BEAR MOVIE,
WHICH I BELIEVE TECHNICALLY IS CALLED
YOGI BEAR: 3-D.
PLEASE WELCOME MY FRIEND ANDY DALY.
- GOOD EVENING. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
GOOD EVENING, DOUG. HELLO, AMERICA.
FOLKS, THIS IS GONNA COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU,
BUT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN, I WAS A BIT OF A NERD.
ANYWAY, WHAT I DID WAS I WROTE A,
A HUMOR COLUMN, OF COURSE,
FULL OF, HILARIOUS OBSERVATIONS
ABOUT LIFE AT BEN FRANKLIN JUNIOR HIGH.
AND--
AND I LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON ABOUT COMEDY
FROM THAT HUMOR COLUMN THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU,
IF I MAY.
DURING FOOTBALL SEASON, THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WOULD HANG THESE UGLY OAK TAG SIGNS
ALL OVER THE CAFETERIA THAT SAID STUFF LIKE,
"CRUSH PARAMUS CATHOLIC,
SLAUGHTER THE BLESSED SACRAMENT."
FUN STUFF LIKE THAT.
"MURDER A NUN."
AND THEY WOULD ALWAYS HANG ONE OF THESE SIGNS
OVER THE CLOCK IN THE CAFETERIA
SO YOU COULDN'T SEE WHAT TIME IT WAS.
WELL, THAT IS HOW THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
WANDERED INTO THE SCOPES OF MY HUMOR GUN.
BECAUSE, HERE'S WHAT I WROTE
IN THE, IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER ABOUT THAT.
I SAID,
"HEY, HOW COME THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
"ALWAYS HANGS ONE OF THEIR UGLY SIGNS
"OVER THE CAFETERIA CLOCK?
"WE CAN'T SEE WHAT TIME IT IS,
"AND THE SIGNS DON'T EVEN WORK.
OUR FOOTBALL TEAM STILL SUCKS."
- I'M GUESSING-- - YEAH.
- IF I MAY JUMP AHEAD IN YOUR STORY.
- THAT'S FINE. JUMP ALL THE WAY AT THE END.
- THAT LED TO A **** TON OF CHEERLEADER ****.
BUT THE FALLOUT FROM MY HILARIOUS TAKEDOWN
OF ALL OF THE STRONGEST AND MOST POPULAR KIDS IN SCHOOL
WAS PRETTY BAD.
IT WAS BASICALLY THIS.
PICTURE A SCRAWNY, 13-YEAR-OLD ME...
WITH MY ARMS HELD BEHIND MY BACK
BY THE CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM
WHILE, EVERYONE ON THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD
TOOK TURNS PUNCHING ME IN THE STOMACH.
- SO IT'S JUST GIRL PUNCHES.
- YEAH, W-- GIRL PUNCHES.
MAYBE THEY DON'T HURT AS MUCH PHYSICALLY,
BUT MENTALLY...
- HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE ANDY DALY
AFTER THESE COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS.
- WELCOME BACK TO THE BENSON INTERRUPTION,
WHERE I'M INTERRUPTING ANDY DALY.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE HAVE A TWEET-OFF?
- YEAH! - LET'S DO IT.
- DOES THE TWEET-OFF HAVE A THEME SONG?
- NO, PEOPLE JUST CLAP, AND THEN WE DO IT.
- AUNT BERU.
- I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW,
BUT I DO KNOW GETTING PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.
SO JUST OUT OF FAMILIARITY, I WOULD CHOOSE THAT.
- GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.
- YEAH, GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.
- WHY TAKE AN UNNECESSARY RISK?
THE OTHER ONE MIGHT BE WORSE
THAN GETTING PUNCHED IN THE BALLS.
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW THAT.
I DON'T KNOW THAT SHOW.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAT DOWN ON TWITTER
AND SPELLED OUT AHMADINEJAD.
- I DID.
- I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO START.
I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- THERE'S OTHER DESTINATIONS ON THE INTERNET
THAT CAN TELL YOU THINGS LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, BUT YOU GOTTA FIND THAT,
AND THEN TYPE IT IN THE OTHER PLACE.
- I GOT THE TIME. - YOU'RE TALENTED.
- YOU SLEEP IN A BIG GIRL BED?
- NO, WHY? WHY?
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO ONE MORE. YOU GOT ONE MORE?
- OKAY.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANDY DALY!
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU, ANDY.
CALL YOUR MOTHER. GOOD NIGHT!
- THAT'S NOT WATER.